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The Staff...
Found under gooseberry bushes and on their backs at the end of gigs, these are the many fine upstanding and law abiding folks that put digit to keypad and spend literally minutes squinting at computer screens in order to bring you the many fine articles, columns and inventive swear words that make up every issue of Beat Motel. Marvel at their pictures, um and ah at the many facts we've dredged up about them.
If you are a Beat Motel writer and wondering why you're not here, all you have to do is email me the answer to the questions below and a photo and I'll add you! You can download the profile questions by clicking here...

Join us...
We are always looking for new writers for Beat Motel, it doesn't matter if you've never written for anything bar speeding tickets before or if you've won the booker prize send something in! We're looking for columns, reviews, stories, poems (maybe), jokes and anything else you can conjure up in your pretty little mind. Do you draw or take photos? Send in whatever is 'your thing' and we'll try and print it.
Email us at poo at BeatMotel.co.uk

Sadly we ain't joking

Andrew Culture...

Favourite Cheese -	Brie
Favourite Film -	Lord of the Rings
Instrument -	Bass, Tight Throat Singing
In a band? If so which band? -	ZEEB? (allegedly)
Favourite Body Part -	My back, where would I be without it?
Favourite Beer -	Bittberger
Criminal Record -	Badly Drawn Boy
If I was a plant I'd be -	Spider Plant
Bling Rating -	0
Number of Relatives -	10
Cylinders -	2
Gears -	1
Special Skills -	lighting blue angels
Force Factor -	9
0- 60mph -	never
Website -	IpswichGigs.co.uk

Run into the light sleeping bag boy!

Sidney...

Favourite Cheese -	SUM 41
Favourite Film -	Waynes World
Instrument -	Scalpel
In a band? If so which band? -	The Sidneys
Favourite Body Part -	Bumper
Favourite Beer -	Duff
Criminal Record -	Only in Australia
If I was a plant I'd be -	A Sand Quarry
Bling Rating -	Bling Bling
Number of Relatives -	7
Cylinders -	1034
Gears -	3
Special Skills -	Annoyance
Force Factor -	Warp 9
0- 60mph -	in 3 seconds
Website -	http://www.beatmotel.co.uk/writers.shtml#sidney

I do hope he's holding a loufer

Larry...

Favourite Cheese -	Mmmm... all of them, but now I'm vegan and I miss it.
Favourite Film -	La Haine
Instrument -	Bass and voice
In a band? If so which band? -	Brutal Justice, Bok, Snarf Takes up the Challenge
Favourite Body Part -	Ear Lobe
Favourite Beer -	Don't drink anymore, but it was always Butcombe (for the awesome name).
Criminal Record -	Nothing major.
If I was a plant I'd be -	A shrubbery
Bling Rating -	Low
Number of Relatives -	umm...more than 10 not more than 100. We're all related really though aren't we?
Cylinders -	Like on a car? None
Gears -	21
Special Skills -	Cooking, being ultra lazy, always finding something more interesting to do than what I'm meant to be doing.
Force Factor -	Like on Star Wars? Er... Sith Lord or summat.
0- 60mph -	I wish I could cycle/run that fast - that would rule.
Website -	none

what a pretty fella

Mafro...

Favourite Cheese -	Brie
Favourite Film -	Busty Belinda takes to the Shower Volumes 1-7 inc
Instrument -	Guitar and Mandolin
In a band? If so which band? -	Los Salvadores
Favourite Body Part -	Lefty
Favourite Beer -	Old Speckled Hen
Criminal Record -	The frog Song
If I was a plant I'd be -	Loopin
Bling Rating -	4
Number of Relatives -	24
Cylinders -	1.5
Gears -	25
Special Skills -	Fog horn blasts, cheese eating and blowing laughter bubbles
Force Factor -	7.4
0- 60mph -	6.7 seconds
Website -	www.pelicanstudio.co.uk

what a pretty fella

Gilb...

Favourite Cheese -	Mild chedder
Favourite Film -	Mallrats
Instrument -	Well i don't play one, but if i did bass.
Favourite Body Part -	Eyes, how romantic
Favourite Beer -	I don't drink alcohol.
Criminal Record -	I stole some sweets from pick n mix in asda, i didn't get caught. smooooooooth
If I was a plant I'd be -	Rose?
Bling Rating -	No jewellery if thats what you mean haha!
Number of Relatives -	erm...no idea
Cylinders -	you what?
Gears -	eh?
Special Skills -	taking photos
Force Factor -	???
0- 60mph -	??
Website -	www.watfordgigs.com

what a pretty fella

Tard...

Favourite Cheese -	The cheap, squidgy stuff from Tesco. And camembert. In a calzone.
Favourite Film -	'Make Them Die Slowly' and 'Deep Inside Traci'.
Instrument -	of torture? Mace. Of aural torture? Bass. Hey, they rhyme.
Band?-	Barely. Lovejunk, those aged old crones who should know better by now.
Favourite Body Part -	Cerebellum.
Favourite Beer -	Root. A&W.
Criminal Record -	'One Step Closer' by Dollar. Or is it 'One Step Nearer'? 'Further'? It's been a while.
If I was a plant I'd be -	More bored than I am now.
Bling Rating -	Negligible.
Number of Relatives -	Regular - 14. In-bred - 457.
Cylinders -	Don't think so.
Gears -	One. Rusty.
Special Skills -	I can walk and chew gum at the same time. As long as it's not a massive walk.
Force Factor -	Out of ten? Maybe two
0- 60mph -	Four hours eleven minutes.
Website -	RealOd.com

wolfie
once every 91 years

Steve...

Favourite Cheese -	Chedder
Favourite Film -	Beetlejuice
Instrument -	Guitar
Band?-	The Devil Rides Out
Favourite Body Part -	Liver because they do regenerate
Favourite Beer -	Stella ActTwat
Criminal Record -	Anything by Elton John
If I was a plant I'd be -	A living organism lacking the power of locomotion
Bling Rating -	6000
Number of Relatives -	20
Cylinders -	16
Gears -	5
Special Skills -	Beer Drinking, Geeky knowledge of Horror films & resurrecting the dead
Force Factor -	9
0- 60mph -	2.1 seconds
Website -	RateTheDead.com

the lights are on

Rach...

Favourite Cheese -	Wensleydale
Favourite Film -	Amelie
Instrument -	Flute and piano
Favourite Body Part -	On me- my breasts! On everyone else- well defined hip bones are always to be desired...
Favourite Beer -	Corona
Criminal Record -	None!
If I was a plant I'd be -	A palm tree
Bling Rating -	3
Number of Relatives -	10,000
Cylinders -	8
Gears -	5 + r
Special Skills -	Procrastination
Force Factor -	8
0- 60mph -	in about 4 hours usually...
Website -	www.birdsandlard.com

Dan Foden...

Favourite Cheese -	Roquefort
Favourite Film -	Rear Window
Instrument -	Telecaster Guitar
Band?-	The Dan Foden One Man Band
Favourite Body Part -	Left Nipple
Favourite Beer -	Buffy's
Criminal Record -	Duran Duran - Decade
If I was a plant I'd be -	Power plant
Bling Rating -	I is so bling!
Number of Relatives -	3
Cylinders -	Wha?
Gears -	Automatic
Special Skills -	Potato harvesting, Peach Salad
Force Factor -	5
0- 60mph -	some day
Website -	DanFoden.co.uk

Jess...

Favourite Cheese -	Mozarella (sp?), melted on pizza.
Favourite Film -	stand by me, a beautiful mind, velvet goldmine, quadrophenia, labyrinth and more!
Favourite Body Part -	eyes
Favourite Beer -	don't drink
Criminal Record -	i don't think i regret any of my music choices!
If I was a plant I'd be -	a plant
Bling Rating -	2, on special occasions haha
Number of Relatives -	uhhh i dunno lol
Cylinders -	?
Gears -	?
Special Skills -	band worshipping. hahahaha
Force Factor -	?
0- 60mph -	?
Website -	http://profiles.myspace.com/users/2349271

Wast...

Favourite Cheese -	None (allergic, makes the whole pizza experience a bit dull !!!)
Favourite Film -	Pulp Fiction
Instrument -	Used to be bass but sadly now it's something a lot more obscene
In a band? If so which band? -	None, my musical aspirations faltered at a young age when I realised I was rubbish
Favourite Body Part -	My brain, nearly lost it recently so am glad it still works, well kinda
Favourite Beer -	Guinness
Criminal Record -	Charges dropped due to lack of evidence
If I was a plant I'd be -	Robert
Bling Rating -	0
Number of Relatives -	Too many, the leeches
Cylinders -	Only 1 but it functions well
Gears -	3
Special Skills -	Talking bollocks
Force Factor -	The Force is not strong in this one Obi Wan
0- 60mph -	A weekend
Website -	None, as an IT man I'm still relatively new to this interweb thingy

Cragas..

Favourite Cheese -	I hate all cheese!
Favourite Film -	School of Rock because it taught me how to Rock!
Instrument -	Guitar
In a band? If so which band? -	No i just spend my time helping bands
Favourite Body Part -	My head because i dont use it that often
Favourite Beer -	Dont drink!
Criminal Record -	Once dropped a can of diet coke on the floor, yes i am ashamed of myself
If I was a plant I'd be -	A skunk cabbage
Bling Rating -	0
Number of Relatives -	erm about 15 i think
Cylinders -	4
Gears -	7
Special Skills -	Can hold thin objects between my 2 butt cheeks
Force Factor -	8
0- 60mph -	Just about!
Website -	www.rocklinks.co.uk

Marc Newby..

Favourite Cheese -	Cream Cheese
Favourite Film -	Saving Private Ryan
Instrument -	Voice, Guitar
In a band? If so which band? -	aflightoremember
Favourite Body Part -	Nose
Favourite Beer -	None
Criminal Record -	Streaker
If I was a plant I'd be -	Air Plant
Bling Rating -	0
Number of Relatives -	15
Cylinders -	7
Gears -	6
Special Skills -	Energetic Soul Movements
Force Factor -	8
0- 60mph -	Occasionally
Website -	www.aflightoremember.tk

Big Daddy..

Favourite Cheese -	Stilton
Favourite Film -	Dusk till dawn, good the bad and the ugly, Fith Element and all the star wars movies equally
Instrument -	Guitar/Bass
In a band? If so which band?-	it's secret
Favourite Body Part -	boobies (not mine!!tho)
Favourite Beer -	Any
Criminal Record -	Dont know much of their stuff but apparently the guitarist can play flight of the bumble bee on his guitar
If I was a plant I'd be -	Very Very Very depressed
Bling Rating -	Proper BO! Blinginist Posse
Number of Relatives -	Too Many Most of whom i have long since mutually disowned and erased from my memory
Cylinders -	Zeeb? cargo frieghters
Gears -	fifth
Special Skills -	autistic tendencies, ocd's and i can sign fluent spackish!!
Force Factor -	jedi master
0- 60mph -	in 5 weeks
Website -	HefferDude.co.uk

Trish..

Favourite Cheese -	Gouda
Favourite Film -	Like the girl that I am, Romeo + Juliet
Instrument -	Piano/Keyboard
In a band? If so which band? -	Not in a band at the moment
Favourite Body Part -	Ankle
Favourite Beer -	Any kind that isn't beer
Criminal Record -	I'm too good for that
If I was a plant I'd be -	A big old oak tree
Bling Rating -	25 our of 10
Number of Relatives -	100
Cylinders -	2
Gears -	5
Special Skills -	Fitting medium-sized objects into my nasal cavity
Force Factor -	My South Africanness
0- 60mph -	5 seconds
Website -	http://profiles.myspace.com/users/1035293

Mic-Hell-e..

Favourite Cheese -	Cheddar
Favourite Film -	Monsters Inc.
Instrument -	Drums (learning)
In a band? If so which band? -	None
Favourite Body Part -	Eyes
Favourite Beer -	Speckled Hen
Criminal Record -	Don’t Go There!
If I was a plant I'd be -	Daffodil
Bling Rating -	Er…. 50
Number of Relatives -	15
Cylinders -	5
Gears -	10
Special Skills -	Talking
Force Factor -	7
0- 60mph -	2 seconds
Website -	www.zeeb.co.uk/baby_patrick88

Glenn..

Favourite Cheese -	Red Leicester
Favourite Film -	Presently? Probably ‘Swingers’
Instrument -	Bass
In a band? If so which band? -	Andy, Glenn and Ritch
Favourite Body Part -	Hands
Favourite Beer -	Guiness
Criminal Record -	Speeding
If I was a plant I'd be -	Wilting
Bling Rating -	Nil
Number of Relatives -	Numerous
Cylinders -	Spheres
Gears -	Forward/ Reverse
Special Skills -	Cynicism
Force Factor -	Mild
0- 60mph -	If mechanics allows
Website -	www.andyglennandritch.tk

Pin Head..

Favourite Cheese -	Pop Music
Favourite Film -	American Pie
Instrument -	I can only play... Nothing
In a band? If so which band? -	Nope
Favourite Body Part -	Hair... Nice and colourful
Favourite Beer -	Fosters
Criminal Record -	Violins by Lagwagon, this is godly
If I was a plant I'd be -	A lily!
Bling Rating -	None for me, just a precious stone necklace
Number of Relatives -	Pardon?...
Cylinders -	lol?
Gears -	wtf?
Special Skills -	Good photographer and Writer... and singing Lagwagon songs
Force Factor -	eh?
0- 60mph -	Yeah?
Website -	www.BeatMotel.co.uk

Damn Superglue

Jammo..

Favourite Cheese -	Brie
Favourite Film -	Withnail and I
Instrument -	Vocals and Guitar
In a band? If so which band? -	The Scissor Sisters
Favourite Body Part -	Eyes, thats a lie
Favourite Beer -	Stella
Criminal Record -	No unspent convictions
If I was a plant I'd be -	Dafodil
Bling Rating -	Christmas Tree
Number of Relatives -	I dont understand
Cylinders -	2
Gears -	Off/ On
Special Skills -	Selective hearing, confusion, dizziness etc.......
Force Factor -	9
0- 60mph -	2 hours and 37 minutes
Website -	AllTheCoolKids.com

Mr.T...

Favourite Cheese -	Cheddar
Favourite Film -	The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms
Instrument -	Guitar
In a band? If so which band? -	Second In Line, Snatch, (the) On Trial (organisation) and Look Mum No Hands
Favourite Body Part -	Eyes
Favourite Beer -	Free Beer!
Criminal Record -	Candle in the fucking wind!
If I was a plant I'd be -	A Plant
Bling Rating -	0
Number of Relatives -	Too many. Not that I know most of them!
Cylinders -	None right now
Gears -	Would I need a bike first?
Special Skills -	Knowing the words to Ice Ice Baby.
Force Factor -	The force is always with me.
0- 60mph -	About 5 days
Website -	www.gigpix.co.uk